


X and Y

by emkayss



Category: Free!
Genre: Cisswap, F/F, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 15:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1946979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emkayss/pseuds/emkayss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following a distressed Rei as she figures out her feelings towards her best friend: Nagisa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	X and Y

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so basically I haven't written any fanfic for like 2 years and there will never be enough fem!reigisa ever, so I decided to rise from the dead and make my contribution. Also: emkayss.tumblr.com, but that was redundant.
> 
> EDIT: NOW WITH A [CONTINUATION,](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3191111) WRITTEN FOR REIGISA WEEK 2015

Most girls Rei’s age don’t end up awake at two-thirty in the morning twisted in too hot sheets with the name of your best friend on your lips. They don’t flush as they remember the dream they came crashing awake from, the memory of hands at your back, your hips, trailing up your waist to your shoulders and neck and then there are hands in your hair and a familiar, girly sigh as the air gets too thick and you can’t breathe. There’s a kiss that gets cut off too short when you come slamming back to consciousness, to yourself.

And then there’s the realization that Rei knows who it is, that she recognizes the colour of her hair, the exact shade of pink or purple or magenta of her eyes, that it’s Nagisa’s hot body over her own, Nagisa’s fingers pressing into her body, Nagisa sighing into the hot dark. _Nagisa_. But Nagisa is a girl and Rei lets her mind yell at her, _I like boys, I like boys, I like boys_ over and over, first a statement and then, finally, a plead into the faint morning light of her bedroom.

The plead echoes when Rei can’t fall back asleep, (More like she doesn’t want to; she’s scared enough of those dreams as it is.) so she does what she knows best: she studies. She studies, she reads, she would do homework but she’s already done as much in advance as she can, Rei does anything and everything to not fall back asleep.

When her alarm goes off, Rei has a too-long shower, she washes her face, brushes her teeth, colours over the bags under her eyes with old, chunky concealer she found her room while cleaning for the bazilionth time that night. She eats breakfast, packs her lunch, and gets dressed, trying to wave away any signs tiredness with a smile and a scolding. But she’s still yawning and half-asleep and still has to deflect the inevitable questions from the rest of the swim team (Haru’s just being a slight raise of eyebrows when Rei shows up at lunch) answered with a totally believable and not altogether untrue “up late reading,” a lie that continues as the dreams multiply themselves in number and vulgarity, and then it is an equation she just can't get the answer to. 

Nagisa hugs her, trying to wheedle out whatever the problem is, and Rei can’t help but imagine the same blonde head between her legs, looking up at her and grinning, her lips with wet with saliva and something else that Rei refuses to think about, and she can't not hear someone’s distant moans, which Rei suspects are her own.

The next days and weeks are awkward. Awkward for Rei, at least; no one else knows about the dreams she’s been having. It’s hard to be friends with someone when the only thing you can think about is how it felt when said friend kissed that spot that you didn’t know would send shots of feeling down to your toes and through your fingers. It doesn’t help that Rei was roped into the swim club of all things; she tries to change in the corner or turn away when Nagisa rips off her swim suit, parading through the showers completely naked, but even so it takes every ounce of effort in Rei's body to not imagine the same body blanketed over hers. But it's her silhouette, stark and black against the sinking sun, at the end of practice makes Rei flush all over again.

Rei thinks about it. She mulls it over. There has to be something more to this, it has to be her head trying to tell her something she hasn’t figured out for herself yet. Her search history is suddenly filled with articles and stories and biographies and blog posts and how she wishes there was a formula to figure out her feelings. She tries this too; if _x_ equals Nagisa and _y_ equals feeling, or orientation, or gender, or anything (She can’t figure out what y equals either, exactly) there has got to be something she can multiply to get a graph or a line or a curve or _anything_.

She wants desperately to discuss it with someone, but Rei can’t imagine going up to Makoto or Haruka with an “I’m having weird, sexy dreams about a member of our team.” But, it’s not like Rei hasn’t noticed the glances those two have been giving each other or how their fingers linger while they walk side by side, and Makoto would probably try to give some kind of advice. But Rei can’t wrap her head around it; she wouldn’t know what to say, she wouldn’t know how to react, so she does nothing at all.

Rei’d never really contemplated the possibility of her not liking boys. She had always just assumed, had never really payed much attention. And Rei was instantly drawn to Nagisa, drawn to her energy and bounce and smile, and she loves the swim team and Haru and Makoto, and Nitori’s nice, she supposes, and Rin’s a little standoffish but she’s always been kind to Rei. But none of them are Nagisa. None of them are the girl with bouncy blonde curls who insists upon encroaching Rei’s personal space, (Which she doesn’t seem to mind as much as she used too) gives Rei puppy-dog-eyes until she’ll help her study, (As if Rei doesn’t appreciate good grades) and practically forced her against her will to join the swim team. (Which she, of course, loves.)

It comes to her in the middle of the night again: Nagisa is a girl and that doesn’t matter. Nagisa is a girl and Rei still gets butterflies in her stomach when she sees her. Nagisa is a girl and that doesn’t change the fact that she’s beautiful and amazing and wonderful and _everything_.

After that, the truth is the easiest thing Rei has figured out in a while. The dreams stop when Rei realizes she has a crush on Nagisa, they revert back to nightmares wherein she gets below a ninety percent on a test, and that somehow leads to her getting kicked out of school. Or, the classic, where she forgets her swimsuit again and has to deal with that somehow. She guesses her subconscious is pleased with her figuring out her feelings.

There are weeks of this, of giddy realization kept under wraps. Weeks of watching or listening to Nagisa in a different way, soaking up every laugh and every pull of her arm so she can play it back later where no one is watching. But Rei stops yelling at Nagisa with each outrageous plan to rope in new members for the swim club. None of Rei’s complete and utter adoration (which she’s sure will become so hilariously obvious if she ever opens her mouth) will become known, her complete and utter adoration that has grown from awkward feeling and bloomed into a full-bodied, star-aligning, heart-ruining crush cannot be put into words or actions.

But Nagisa’s not as ignorant as Rei thinks she is. Nagisa notices her gaps of silence, visibly holding her tongue when she so obviously wants to speak. Nagisa notices and tries to console her friend with surprise ice cream and strawberry milk, not knowing what’s causing this sudden rift but wanting to fix it as best she can. She starts one-sided conversations during lunch, she scootches closer on the train home, a very Makoto-esque look of perpetual concern slathered on her face. And maybe once she grabs her hand, but Rei flushes and pulls it away, dismissing it as Nagisa’s usual handsy-ness.

Rei’s even confronted by the team. After practice, when everyone’s leaving the locker rooms, Nagisa and Gou back her into a wall, asking question after question. _We’ll do whatever we can to help, you can trust us, we all just want you to feel better_. Rei appreciates it, she really does, but it's how Nagisa looks like she’s on the brink of tears when she practically jumps on Rei to hug her, and how Makoto quickly wraps her arms around the bundle, followed by Gou and a hesitant Haru. She doesn't want to impose on this team any more than she already has, she doesn't want to be the thing that will wreak this balance they've so painstakingly created. So, Rei smiles and tells them she's fine, it's just exam stress. They all go out for some kind of team-bonding dinner after, and Rei tries to laugh and joke with the rest of the team. But she can sense that everyone is still tense, and everyone is more than a bit careful around her.

It’s Makoto that pulls her aside one day, guiding Rei to an empty alcove with a knowing smile. Makoto sits them down and opens her mouth, but she doesn’t say anything. She closes her mouth, and sucks her lips into her mouth, thinking. Rei’s squirming, playing with her thumbs and resisting the urge to tuck her hair behind her ear, or fix her glasses, or both. Makoto looks at Rei’s hands, swallows, and starts.

“Look, Rei, I ... um, I had troubles with figuring out how I felt about Haru, and what that meant, and figuring out how I felt about feeling how I felt about Haru. That doesn’t make any sense. I guess just coming to terms with how I felt, how I feel I guess, about her. And, uh, if you ever want to talk? I get it.” Makoto’s face is beet red, like it usually is when she’s embarrassed. And she’s kind of rambling.

“It took both of us a long time to realize how we felt, and I don’t think you or Nagisa want or need to wait as long as we did.” Makoto smiles, hopeful and supportive and like the sun on a cloudy day, trying desperately to get a reach into what Rei's dealing with, and even though Rei is probably the most embarrassed she’s ever been in her entire life, she still feels a little like she wants to hug Makoto. Nagisa’s influence, probably. But she resists the urge, and instead she stammers out a “Thank you, Makoto-senpai,” and stands, flattens out her skirt, nods to Makoto and rushes in the general direction of the library.

That night after school, Rei lays on her bed, a book abandoned in her hand, because, seriously, Rei can’t even read when she’s dealing with this crush. She lets her old dreams morph into ideas. Possibilities that Rei knows will never happen, but wants anyway.

Rei wants lazy mornings, she wants to wake up in their apartment with someone else’s hair in her mouth, to lean up to kiss Nagisa’s mouth but missing and getting the underside of her chin, she wants to go down to the store at the end of the street and to come home to find Nagisa burning a pan of eggs.

Rei wants to kiss Nagisa and to be kissed back, she wants to take Nagisa’s shirt off and to feel her pale, milky skin that has been dragged in front of her field of view for months, and to flush at Nagisa’s soft fingers following the curve of her back, Rei’s blue hair covering their faces like a curtain as Rei straddles her waist and leans down to kiss her.

Rei wants Nagisa, in any way, shape or form she can get her.

Oh God, this is when Rei realizes she has to tell her.

Rei sits on this for a while, trying to imagine any kind of reaction you’d get when you tell your best friend you’re in love with them, or, excuse me, maybe love isn’t the right word yet. Rei tries to imagine telling her best friend, who has done so much for her, so, so, so much, that she has a crush on her. All of these situations Rei dreams up, they all end badly. They all end up with Rei back on the track team with Sera-senpai, with no one for her but the pile of books beside her bed. No more practices, or trips to get ice cream, or swim suit shopping, no more joint practices at Samezuka, no more Rin or Nitori or the rest of the team. No more Nagisa.

Not surprising anyone, Rei writes out speech upon speech, her hands dry and cracking from trying to wash off the red ink she uses to revise rough drafts. One of the final-ish copies is three pages long and Rei makes herself cut it down to half a page. She figures this is going to be terrible enough for Nagisa anyway, so best to keep it short.

So Rei steels herself and invites Nagisa over for a sleepover. She arrives 17 minutes late with cake and a warm smile and a “Hey Rei-chan!” before making her way through Rei and into her room. Rei indulges and lets them eat and watch a movie and talk a bit before she tells her. She doesn’t want the whole sleepover to be a bust.

Later, but too soon for Rei, Nagisa comes back from the washroom, her teeth and hair freshly brushed for bed, fiddling with a button on her penguin pajamas. Rei sits on her bed, smoothing over the legs of her pajama pants nervously, digging her palms into her thighs, going over the words she memorized one last time.

Rei sighs unconsciously, loud enough that Nagisa turns from crouching in front of her bag to say “Rei-chan, you can tell me whatever’s bothering you. We're best friends, you can trust me.”

Rei adjusts her glasses on the bridge of her nose. Show time.

Nagisa does exactly the opposite of what Rei thought she would, what she budgeted for. When she realizes what Rei’s about to say is serious, is important, she comes and folds her small legs up so she can sit right in front of her. When Rei stutters and stops and can barely continue Nagisa takes her hands and rubs circles into her palms, staying that way when Rei starts crying before she struggles out a “I think I have feelings for you, Nagisa-kun,” between sniffles.

As Rei cries, she tries to push aside all thoughts of how completely un-beautiful and ugly this whole situation is, but then there are suddenly arms wrapped around her and a warm hand at her neck, smoothing circles into her hair. She lets herself revel in the warmth of it, lets a little bit the choked feeling in her chest melt for a minute before she watches her feet get her up, up off the bed and to her desk. She had to get herself out of that situation, so she did.

Both of them are frozen for a moment, the air curling around them like the breaths they are both holding, and Rei watches Nagisa watch her. She looks surprised and sad and a little bit heartbroken and-

Wait a minute. Her eyes are wet, and the shape of the light on the ceiling is reflected onto her damp cheeks. Nagisa says something and all Rei can hear is waves and red and noise, but she watches Nagisa’s shoulders come up with her palms as they dig into her eyes anyway. There’s the telltale sniffle, and her shoulders shake as she starts to cry. Nagisa looks so small, so delicate, so inherently fragile as she cries on Rei’s bed in her pink penguin pajamas, so unlike the brave and outgoing Nagisa she’s come to know, that Rei can’t help but tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and try to reciprocate.

Sure, Rei’s almost a hundred times more awkward at the whole comforting thing but she knows she’s doing something right when Nagisa tugs Rei down to her to nestle her head in the crook where Rei’s shoulder and arm meet and squeezes her middle a little too tight, and it’s enough that Rei starts crying all over again.

* * *

The whole thing is something Rei never wants to speak of again. She’s embarrassed about how much she cried when she told Nagisa; that wasn’t in the script.

She tries to remember it in fragments, purging anything she wants to forget and taking special care to remember the important bits; like the way Nagisa wraps her fingers through Rei's afterwards, resting her head in Rei's lap as they talk of anything and everything, the aura of new love making their words slow and unhurried.

She wants to remember that, and how Nagisa's face changes, almost relaxes, at the change in their relationship, and how Nagisa works herself into Rei’s arms as they fall asleep, pressing her calves against Rei's shins as she hums happily.  But most of all, she wants to remember the five words Nagisa had said before Rei rushed back to the bed, and they both fell into completely un-beautiful tears, the five words she's been waiting to hear _forever_ :  “I like you too, Rei-chan.”


End file.
